A lot has happened since my last entry. I have learned that I can always lean on Larry, my inlaws, a couple of girlfriends and up until recently my friend Ken. I went through a few scary moments and had no one to tell me this is what is supposed to happen when you are pregnant.
We finally convinced my sister to let Sarah to sleep over. So we had her for an overnight and although she had some separation issues but she slept through the night and was fine overall. She helped us to register and had a ball doing it. She started to get comfortable talking to my belly and laughing when he would send up a burp or kick/punch my side which she felt when we would snuggle. She called this week to see when we can have another sleep over and we had her squeel in happiness when she learned we were sleeping at her house this weekend (Aug 6-7).
I am what is considered in the medical industry as an old mother. I am 43 and convention states that I shouldn't be a mother but women before me have done it so it is possible. I tried very hard not to have an amnio but with every sonogram, blood test, or screening test something negative came out of it. I was falling into a deep depression which then caused my doctor to suggest that I go to a therapist. I mean I have a miracle growing in my belly and all I want is something to go right. After talking to a friend, I decided to go forward with the amnio and I was suddenly flooded with calmness. I knew I was doing the right thing as scary as it was. It was scheduled and wasn't fighting a panic attack but fighting the terror of what was about to happen. We talked to the genetic counselor who I could understand better than the first one and she explained everything in detail. She said "you can pull out at any time and no one will look down on you. Its your body your choice." I wanted medical proof that I knew my son was perfectly healthy and to leave the two of us alone. We went into the sonogram room and the tests began.
The nurse and technician were very nice and let me listen to my son's heartbeat while they prepped me. I realized that Peter's heartbeat is what was preventing me from going into a full panic attack. They took a lot of pictures some of which we got to keep. Peter kept up his sillyness. One marker for having T13/T18 is a clenched fist, he proved that wrong by giving us an open-handed wave, curled into a thumbs up when I said "I'm sorry honey, Mommy didn't want to do this so please don't touch the shiny thing ok." and then promptly made a fist and started to suckle his fist. His goofyness made me smile through the tears. The nurse said "don't winch because we don't want to lose the spot." They did not numb me and it hurt like H-E-double hockey sticks. Peter moved his legs out of the way and they took three vials of amnio fluid and took the needle out. With that I cried because it hurt so much and as much as I was appreciative of Larry being there I wanted my sister or mom to be there. Larry's folks picked us up and I stayed in bed for the next day and half. Peter didn't kick or punch me much that day but I could feel him "scratching" me almost like trying to say "I'm still here." I hurt emotionally and physically but I didn't want to miscarry so I did what the doctor said and Larry hovered.
The next day was my 25th High School reunion which was fun. Two women refused to give me eye contact when I talked to them. I found that funny, after 25 years they think I'm the same girl I was in High School. I enjoyed it and a lot of my former classmates were hovering because they knew what had happened the day before and were happy I was there. I learned a lot from a few of my former classmates and it makes me respect them more.
I learned who I can rely on and who I can't. I wish I could tell some people how their actions really hurt me but I don't have it in me to fight with them. One friend who distanced himself and I did have a conversation of sorts and I know that we are the same when it comes to stress--back off and come back when it is over. One day at a time.
The following week after the amnio we met up with Dr. Charnes and learned about the "cliff notes" version of Peter's amnio and learned he was perfectly healthy. He had nothing that they assumed he might have. It was the "middle finger" I was looking for. She said to call the following week to hear the full report but I knew we could move on. She said she still wanted me to go to therapy but Larry said that I didn't need therapy as ever since I had chosen to do the amnio I was a calmer happier person. I am now bonding with Peter and Larry tends to walk into the room and asks "who are you talking to honey?" Well duh who do you think <G>.
I am learning to roll with the "punches" and the late night fruit cravings. Dr. Charnes' nurse is sweet when she says "step on the scale, gaining weight is a good thing." I haven't gained a lot only about 10 pounds but with the fruit cravings and rotissari cravings that should end soon. I don't want to gain a lot but I don't want to risk Peter's health. We are happy that he is the size of a #10 envelope and weighs 1 pound 10 ounces, this week we will find out how healthy size and weight wise he is. We finally agreed on an apple juice and I contacted the company Martinelli's who is sending us coupons. One day at a time is the motto of the week and I hope to continue that mantra.
We are now happily in month six and will take what comes my way knowing that ultimately Peter is healthy and we will be a good team. I promise him that I will do my best to be a good mommy. I am scared but I know he knows I love him and can't wait to see him.
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